A short history of bonfire night.

I'd completely forgotten it was bonfire night in the UK.  For those who don't know about this particular event, of sorts, which has spawned enough historical myths to be the basis of JR Tolkien's weighty tomes 'Lord of the rings', I'll try to enlighten you.

Firstly, it's the very British way of supporting the underdog, by burning effigies to declare their immense joy at Guido (Guy) Fawkes being dispatched for attempting to blow up parliament and get rid of a bunch of cronies, enjoying the high life as Members of Parliament.  As history shows us, nothing much as changed.

Secondly, it was a dastardly attempt to get rid of the King, not because he was a particularly bad guy, but because he was a protestant, whilst Guido and his mates were catholic terrorists who thought Britain would be better off in the European Union of the time.  Again, nothing much has changed, except if you're English you still want to remain a castaway on a desert island.  If you're Scottish, you like the idea of annoying the hell out of the Westminister mafia, so you'd like to be more European.  If you're Welsh, you only want to see more sheep roaming the hills.

Thirdly, Guido took the full brunt of the polite manners the English are famed for.  He was politely told he was going to be tied to a post, which sat on top of some fine wheat sheaves left over from the harvest festival, underneath were faggots and kindling, and then after the archbishop had prayed to God to save Guido's tormented soul, he would be set alight.  Guido not wishing to appear a miserable bugger, and to prove his English credentials, said 'thank you'.

The English establishment, not wishing to let the peasants forget, agreed it was permissible to have a bonfire every year.  The establishment secretly agreed that burning an old guy every November 5th would in fact reduce the numbers requiring the services of the Poor Law, and would also greatly reduce expenditure on pensions.

As Guido was being burnt at the stake, the good English peasants threw potatoes at him, which duly landed in the fire.  It was soon learnt that the time it took to burn an old guy, was exactly the same time it took to bake potatoes to perfection.  This is why baked potatoes are enjoyed on bonfire night, fillings for the baked potatoes came a little later, when the English wished to show the world that they could outdo French and Italian cuisine.

The use of fireworks stems from the need of the military to test new smart bombs.  Sparklers on the other hand are used to remind people that once upon a time there was no electric lights, and that it's the only way to find your way across a muddy field on a very dark night in November.

So there we have it, a brief historical account of why the British celebrate bonfire night, eat baked potatoes, use fireworks, and wave sparklers around like lunatics.

Have fun tonight and make sure you know where you put the bangers!